


"please put pete in more sketches where he gets to kiss the host"

by orphan_account



Category: Saturday Night Live
Genre: Background Relationships, Based on a Saturday Night Live Sketch, Complicated Relationships, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mental Health Issues, This Is STUPID, why did i do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:41:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29933592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Pete Davidson has some complicated relationships
Relationships: Beck Bennett/Kyle Mooney, Colson Baker | Machine Gun Kelly/Pete Davidson, Kate Mckinnon/ Aidy Bryant, Michael Che/Colin Jost, Nick Kroll/John Mulaney, Pete Davidson/John Krasinski, Pete Davidson/John Mulaney, Pete Davidson/Timothee Chalamet
Kudos: 7





	"please put pete in more sketches where he gets to kiss the host"

**Author's Note:**

> so my conspiracy theory head just came up with this one night and I need to put it somewhere, I'm so sorry

Sometimes I think about life. Well, don’t we all. But whenever something big happens, I have to take a breath and look back on it all. “I’m just some kid from Staten Island, so how did I get here?” Is usually how it goes. When I dated Ariana, god, I felt like that the entire time. Honestly, I’m still not convinced the whole experience wasn’t just some fucked up dream. 

Anyways, right now is one of those times.

Of course, it’s all because of you. It all started because of you, and I’m sure it’ll end because of you.

Ariana. Even though I’m not her biggest fan, she definitely changed my life. I’ll never understand why she dated me, but according to her, it’s because she needed a “distraction” and I had a big dick. But getting engaged to her brought widespread attention to me, and Kyle even wrote a goddamn sketch about being jealous of me. I’m sure he regretted it after we broke up, because I was not someone that anyone would envy during that time. 

I’ve always had mental health problems, and everything about dating Ariana just magnified it all. Having all that attention on me wasn’t something I really enjoyed. After the breakup, I sort of spiraled. But you saved me.

_The Mule_ was such a shitty movie, but I can barely remember having more fun than I did when we went to watch it together. That day will forever be etched into my brain.

_A shiver ran down my spine as your arm brushed against my own in the dark of the theater._

_“He’s fucking 90, and he’s driving?” you whispered to me, your breath hot against my neck. “Didn’t realize this was a fantasy movie, but okay.” I chuckled softly in response, not wanting to disturb anyone else watching the movie._

_We continued to crack little jokes for each other, just enjoying the company. I was hyper-aware of your every move, watching and waiting. I could tell when you were about to mention something, and with how ridiculous the movie was, I could usually tell what you were about to mention._

I might’ve fallen in love during that vacation. You showed me a level of kindness I’ve never known before. I was drowning, and you pulled me into your boat. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere.

Sometimes when I can’t seem to fall asleep and escape the world, I’ll replay that weekend update. I know it was a hard time for me, but that… it just pulled me back to life.

_“Pete… pete,” Your smile dropped and you reached a hand out to my shoulder, almost cupping my face. “Look at me. Look at me. Look me in the eye” I was still half laughing from my self-deprecating joke, but I moved to look at you. “You are loved by many…”_

_“Oh, thank you John,”_

_“And we are glad you are okay.”_

_“Okay.” WHAT WAS THAT?? I don’t remember scripting it with you. I’m so glad you decided to say “now back to_ The Mule _” because I really didn’t want to start tearing up on national television._

I watch it and smile. 

But things change. For almost two years, I was smitten with you. You showed me so much tenderness and love that I couldn’t imagine a world in which it was one-sided. But there was no way we could work out.

So I dated other people and life went on. But at the back of my head, you consumed my thoughts. I ached when we were apart and I relished the time we had together. Dreams of you plagued my every move, especially when writing scripts.

_“Please put Pete in more sketches where he gets to kiss the host.”_

That might’ve seemed like just a little joke, but I wrote that about you. Maybe it could happen while you were hosting. 

Quarantine really fucked things up. I could see you even less than before. I just sat at home, drowning my pain in all the weed I could get my hands on. Usually, I could slightly forget about my pining when I was hanging with my friends at SNL, but I couldn't see them either. Summer dragged on and on. Then with fall, SNL came back.

I was so goddamned happy to be back writing and doing sketches, even if it was socially distant. What really added something extra was the reveal of the host line up. You were hosting on Halloween. I could see you again. And that week… god, it was almost perfect. 

As soon as I saw you, I sprinted over and just held on as tight as I could. You hugged back, and made a joke about giving me coronavirus. We’d crack little jokes to each other during rehearsals, and wrote together on writing days. The episode went great, I finally felt like myself again. But then… he showed up.

_The audience clapped and cheered loudly as the theme music played and everyone on stage was hugging and shaking hands._

_“Happy Halloween, Pete,” you smiled as we hugged, talking just loud enough for me to hear you. We continued small talk and little observation about the show as we walked backstage, but then you suddenly stopped in your tracks, staring straight ahead. I followed your eyes to see… him. Your eyes sparkled and your lips twitched into a smile I’d never seen before._

_“Oh, hello,” Nick Kroll grinned at you. Your breath caught at his words._

_“Oh, hello,” you called back. Before I could blink, You and Nick were wrapped up in the most loving embrace I’ve ever seen. You murmured something in his ear and he chuckled. I felt like my heart fucking dropped to my feet and got stepped on by Lorne Michaels. But hey, maybe you guys were just close friends, right?_

_Wrong._

_I watched in absolute heart-wrenching horror as he cupped your neck and melted your mouths together. It was a brief kiss, but after you pulled apart, you and Nick just kept gazing into each other’s eyes. You finally turned back to me and presumably mistaked my heartbroken face to be simply confused._

_“Pete, I assume you know Nick Kroll?” You were talking to me, but kept those stupidly lovesick eyes pointed at Nick. I wanted them to be towards me so fucking bad._

_“Of course,” I painted on a smile. “Soooo, how long ?” I thought I couldn’t be even more hurt until I saw that blush that creeped up your neck._

_“Well, it’s been on-and-off since college,” Nick curled an arm around your waist posessively as he explained. “I just can’t seem to get enough of him.”_

Nick Kroll. The man who ruined everything. The week after that was just a blur, with the election, Putin resigning, and Obama’s favorite couple ending in tragedy. I was lost in November.

But with December came opportunity. And that opportunity came in the form of a skinny guy who likes to fuck peaches and looks like he eats cigarettes for breakfast. As you would call him, _The Boy._

It was no secret that you hated Timothee Chalamet. After all, your wife was in love with him. But you couldn’t complain about that, you had Nick. If I got close to Timothee, maybe I could get back at you that way.

When I met Timmy, we were inseparable. I sat next to him on the piano during his monologue, and we were together for several sketches. He was great. He was such a wholesome, funny guy. 

Timmy could never replace you, but he came close. 

_“Hey Timmy!” I called out to him after Thursday rehearsal. He looked up from his script and grinned at me. I jogged over to where Timothee was. “I found the best thing for our rap sketch: these stupid press-on nails.” I handed one of the boxes to him and his eyes lit up. I couldn’t ignore the skip my heart did when our hands brushed together._

_“These are perfect, oh my god.” Tim laughed and gazed into my eyes. The couple days before that had been amazing. Timmy and I had such an easy friendship, we could just bounce ideas off each other for hours. And like any good friendship, everyone around us constantly said we should just get a room._

Were we really going to do this? _I asked myself. Timothee apparently picked up that message in my eyes, and gave me my answer. He grasped onto the collar of my shirt and pushed me against a wall. I was almost half a foot taller than him, but I felt tiny under his gaze._

_He grabbed the back of my neck and pulled my face against his where our lips connected. I felt like I was on fire. I threaded my hands deep into Tim’s hair as we deepened the kiss. It felt passionate, desperate, like we were trying to get as close as we could._

_He dipped his hand under my shirt and rubbed circles on my hip as he moved his lips from my mouth to run along my jawline. I closed my eyes, savoring this feeling of absolute bliss that I had never experienced before. I moaned softly and tugged on his curls while he sucked bruises into my neck. Those would be there for the show, but I could barely care. Timothee pulled back eventually and we just stared at each other while panting._

_“My place?” He murmured to me in a husky voice. I just nod, not taking my eyes off his flushed face for even a second._

_“Please put Pete in more sketches where he gets to kiss the host.”_ Well, it wasn’t in a sketch but at least I got to do it. Yeah… that week was really good. During every break we got in the episode, Tim would shove me against a wall and push his tongue down my throat. But the aftermath wasn’t great. Barely two weeks after the episode aired, you went to rehab.

You had relapsed into alcohol and cocaine. I didn’t get any sleep for three days, I just spent the nights sitting in numb pain, convinced I had somehow done this to you. But luckily, Timothee was there. I explained the situation with you, and bless his heart, he completely understood. 

Tim said he’d be there for me, and held me as I cried. He helped me understand it couldn’t be my fault, and I almost believed it. Until I got that email from Nick.

  
  
  


_Pete,_

_Normally I would say some bullshit like “I hope you’re doing well,” but I really don’t. I assume you’ve heard that John’s in rehab. I’m sure you’ve tried to convince yourself that somehow you’re not at fault here. WRONG. You son of a bitch, you know how much it would hurt him to see you with Timothee. Everyone can see what’s going on with you two. Even if you and Timmy were just friends, it would still destroy John. That Timothee Chalamet son of a bitch is the one fucking person he hates. You know that. He thought you were his friend, and you know what he did? He drowned his sorrows in cocaine. And now he’s in rehab. I love John, and I know you do too. But you hurt him, and you will regret it with all you have._

_Nick Kroll_

That… was not good. I have no idea how I would’ve survived that without Timmy. He made each day just a little bit better. I mean, he tolerated my nonstop peach jokes. I have no idea who else would do that.

But of course, things had to get ruined once again. In January, a ghost from Tim’s past came back to bite him in the ass. Armie Hammer the cannibal.

It started out with just a screenshot, then it grew and grew, until his exes came out confirming it. It’s always horrifying to hear that someone who is loved by the general public is actually a monster, but Timothee took it really hard. He had trusted Armie, they had made out more times than he could count. This was way too much on him. I tried to help him just like he had helped me, but this was completely different. When Timothee said he needed some space for a while, I understood. I can’t imagine being in that position. But I was alone again. 

_I sat on my couch, absentmindedly nursing a mug of coffee. I almost jumped when the phone rang._

_“Hello?” I stifled a yawn._

_“Oh, hello.” I turned cold, immediately recognizing Nick’s voice._

_“What do you want, Nick?” I snapped at him. “Timothee left me, can i seriously not be sad without you coming to gloat?” Nick chuckled darkly._

_“Oh, I know.” I could hear the venom dripping from his voice. “Guess who leaked that screenshot? I knew I could somehow dig something up on someone from Tim’s past, but Jesus Christ, I had no idea it would be something so bad!” My coffee mug slipped from my hand, crashing loudly on the floor. “Yknow, I bet he’s thinking something like ‘Oh no! Maybe I just attract bad people. It’s good that I dropped that druggie as soon as I did!’” Nick made a mocking voice._

_“You bastard,” I growled into the phone, and hung up immediately._

Nick Kroll. The man who keeps ruining my life. But last time I found an opportunity. Maybe I could do that again.

The rest of the winter break for SNL was rough, but when I got back, there was a perfect surprise waiting for me. Another older man named John was hosting. John Krasisnski. Maybe I have a soft spot for dilfs, but I can’t have you, I’ll take the other John.

My opportunity came in the monologue. 

_“People always bring up_ The Office _for everything I do, so I’m thinking we can do something around that for the monologue?” John offered to the writers. Everyone started adding on to it, and someone thought that one of the cast members should go up as “Pam,” and they could kiss. I could see Colin's face light up, and he whispered something into Michael’s ear, who immediately started laughing._

_Everyone turned to Michael, who just murmured something back to Colin. Once the two of them left their little bubble, Colin cleared his throat._

_“Hey Pete,” he grinned. “Remember how your ‘doctor’ said you should be in more sketches where you get to kiss the host?” Holy fuck that couldn’t be happening. “I think I know who should be Pam.” Everyone in the writing room agreed enthusiastically, and I was in._

That week was fun. I didn’t have what I had with Tim with John, but he was a really nice guy. Plus, Machine Gun Kelly was the musical guest. I hadn’t hung with him in a while, so it was great to just laugh and talk during breaks. 

Everyone in the cast was really nice about the situation with John and Timothee. Most people didn’t know the whole story, but knew that something had happened. 

_“Damn, so your boyfriend’s ex is a cannibal?” Beck pulled me aside one day. “I can’t say that’s happened to me.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“How did you-” I coughed. “Well I mean- we’re not- Timmy left me.” Beck’s eyes widened._

_“Shit man, I didn’t know sorry,” He apologized._

_“It’s fine.” It wasn’t. “So have you and Kyle fucked yet?” Beck turned a shade of red I didn’t think possible. That’s right Beck, literally everyone in the cast is just waiting for you two to get your shit together._

_“Well- we’re not-” Beck stuttered, his eyes dropping to the ground. I sighed and clapped him on the back as I walked away._

_“Come on dude, everyone knows.”_

I know this is about me, but sometimes I really can’t stand to be around Beck and Kyle. I can literally cut the sexual tension between them with a knife. Everyone knows they’ve wanted to fuck since college, but those absolute morons still think its unrequited. Sorry Beck, I’m the one with unrequited feelings, not you. 

All the gays of the show started pulling me aside to talk about Timmy, it was kind of annoying.

_“Pete!” Kate cheerfully called me over. “I’m taking a break from writing my cold open, and I think we should talk.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Sure, what’s up?”_

_“I just want you to know, tf you wanna go out and get drunk, I’ll totally do it with you,” Kate offered. “I don’t know what I would do if Aidy left me, she’s the only thing in life that matters.” She started to gaze off into the distance dreamily._

_“Oh, uh, that's nice of you to offer,” I smiled politely. “Maybe, but I’m pretty busy this week. You know, first week back and all.” Kate gave me a look and sighed. Then Aidy walked over, and she completely forgot about me. I silently thanked Aidy and slunk away, I really didn’t want to talk about Timmy. But of course, I never get a break._

_I had barely walked ten feet before I was cornered by Colin and Michael._

_“Heyyyyy,” I laughed nervously. “Don’t you guys have writing to do?” Michael rolled his eyes._

_“Hell no, Pete,” Michael scoffed._ _  
_ _  
_ _“You just haven’t said thank you to us yet,” Colin tried to look intimidating but it didn’t work at all._

_“Forrrr what exactly?” I asked, trying and failing to sound polite._

_“We know you had a thing for Mulaney.”_ _  
  
_

_“And we know that turned out like dogshit.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“And we know you and Timothee fucked.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“You didn’t try to hide those hickeys at ALL.”_ _  
  
_

_“But of course that ended up bad as well.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“And we saw how you looked at Krasinski.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Who wouldn’t? We’re in a relationship but damn, that man can get it.”_   
_  
_ “So I’m giving you the chance to make out with John Krasnski on stage. That’s what your doctor wanted isn’t it?” I had been looking back and forth between them like it was a ping pong match, but it seemed like the confrontation ended with Colin. I grinned.

_“You guys are the best, thanks a ton.”_

Finally, it was Saturday. 

_John shrugged at the camera, and pulled me in for a stage kiss. He cupped my neck roughly and I grasped onto his strong shoulder. But under all the muscles, I could tell that something happened in him. He finished his monologue, and we ran off the stage. I was grinning like an absolute idiot._

_I could barely register what was happening as John roughly shoved me against a wall and growled as he pulled my face towards his to connect our mouths. He pulled away just as quickly and ran out to get changed for his next sketch, leaving me flushed and weak in the legs._

The episode was a wild ride. During each ad break and weekend update, John would shove me against a wall and act like he was trying to consume me. Not that I’m complaining. He wasn’t you or Timothee, but he was a damn good distraction. That’s right, distraction, so suck it Ariana Grande. Oh boooo I was your distraction? Well, my distraction is Jim from the fucking Office, so literally fuck off.

When it was time for the good-byes, I grinned through my mask and waved at the audience. John pulled me in for a hug with a rough undertone that I strongly hoped the audience didn’t notice. Then I went to hug Machine Gun Kelly.

_“Dude, Kelly,” I whispered to him. “John and I literally made out backstage.” His eyes widened and he gave a forced laugh. Then, without warning, he grabbed me by the legs and we fell backwards off the stage._

_It was such a dumb move I couldn’t help from laughing, and we just chuckled on the ground in a heap. We finally got up, and as I brushed past him, Kelly whispered “I love you Pete.” in my ear._

So that’s where I am right now. I ran straight into the set bathroom to type this up on my phone for you. I can’t face Kelly. I know nothing’s going to come from John, but I’m going to enjoy this while it lasts. God, I’m probably never going to send this to you, I don’t even know why I wrote it. Maybe I’ll just keep it in my notes, and if things get better I can look back on this and laugh.

I wish I could talk this all through with you. I wish I could go back. I just wish we were friends again. I hope you’re doing okay.

I miss you. 


End file.
